Finding love on Tinder, CMB or Bumble? The hard truth about dating apps
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Finding dearest on Tinder, CMB or Bumble? The difficult truth about dating apps
Stress, anxiety and depression self-esteem – looking for romance online can be a headache. CNA Lifestyle weighs the human relationship pros and cons.
Online dating? It tin become pretty stressful. (Art: Chern Ling)
28 May 2022 06:30AM (Updated: 10 Jul 2022 07:30AM)
If you're a single woman who finds online dating somewhat crazy-making, you're non alone – and information technology's not your fault.
Have the story of Rachel Tan, a 32-yr-sometime single mum who spent a year on dating apps merely has at present sworn off these for a reason.
"Since 2015, I had been concentrating on raising my daughter, who's now five. And so, I purchased my own abode in 2018. Finally, I felt my life had settled down nicely," recalled the quondam banking company executive.
"So I set a resolution to just proceed one date in 2020."
And then she downloaded a few dating apps: Tinder, CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel) and Bumble. Every bit a newbie, information technology was a steep learning curve. "How to filter the false accounts, sidestep would-exist scammers, print-screen the person's image and exercise a contrary Google search, and adopt a 'if he looks likewise good to be true, he probably is' mindset," she shared.
'Free-FOR-ALL-BUFFETS'
For Tan, it all felt a bit unusual. "While apps let me to become out and run into more people, they feel similar gratis-for-all buffets when you actually prefer a-la-carte dining. You lot've got to sift out the adept from the bad. You swipe based just on a few photos and a brusque introduction, then wonder if peradventure you lot might accept swiped away the correct friction match," she shared.
"And then you have to filter the ones who are keen. You worry some might be weird or obsessive, based on their texting patterns. Subsequently that, you have to talk to them for a scrap before deciding to meet them in person. Some back away when I tell them I have a kid," said Tan.
READ: Looking for love on Tinder? Your engagement might be selling you lot insurance instead
"No matter how secure you are, you lot always have information technology at the back of the mind that the guys you meet could be telling y'all white lies," she connected. "In most probability, they're meeting other people at the same time and to exist honest, so am I – it's like a game of roulette. While out on dates, I find them texting other women. Some say 'Oh, I'm simply talking to you and another lady', or 'I've quit Tinder', but my friends will transport me screenshots of the guy withal being active on the app."
Despite making it clear from the start that she'southward looking but for a meaningful and committed relationship with single men, she has encountered men who later disclose that they want "friends with benefits" arrangements, who aren't technically divorced nevertheless, or who're still married.
Sometimes though, friendships are forged. "I met someone who, like me, is keen on entrepreneurship. I also met someone with a passion for mixology, and then we catch up occasionally for cocktail and spirits tastings," she shared.
"To me, the all-time outcome would have been to find someone who really likes y'all and wants to quit the app with y'all. Still, this hasn't happened yet. I want to set a good example for my daughter by having loftier standards in terms of the company I choose to proceed," she said.
Having recently started a new job as a private client development partner in the alcohol manufacture, Tan said: "I'grand meeting a lot of new people organically so I've stopped the apps for the time beingness, and hopefully one solar day I'll meet someone who'southward correct for me."
A GAMIFIED Experience
We're keeping our fingers crossed for her – just have you as well thought about the science backside all of these dating apps?
Well, it turns out it really is a fleck like a game, literally. Co-ordinate to the online commodity The Psychology Of Using Dating Apps by Megan McClintock, dating apps are designed to offering a gamified feel, with cute badges to mark usage or membership status, frequent alerts reminding yous to engage, then on.
Psychologist Dr Loren Seiro was quoted proverb: "Playing games on your phone releases endorphins, your torso's exogenous painkiller. This can reduce your anxiety levels, which feels great, or can fifty-fifty spark the feeling of being 'high'."
Furthermore, "matching with someone … floods your brain with adrenaline considering you experience like you've won something … unpredictable rewards crusade more activeness in advantage regions of the brain. While the neurochemical reward systems can lead to excitement and brusque-term pleasance, information technology tin too atomic number 82 to addiction, burnout, and feelings of loneliness and isolation".
Another commodity, 6 Key Psychological Truths Well-nigh Dating Apps on Psychologytoday.com, observes that "dating sites are in the business of keeping you swiping, looking at their advertisements, and (often) paying monthly fees, rather than finding yous truthful honey."
And then you've got all the lying that's happening. The aforementioned article highlighted a study that revealed 81 per cent of online daters admitted lying in their profiles about their age, height and weight.
READ: Swipe and socialise: Tinder'south CEO shares how COVID-19 changed the dating game
And it's not fifty-fifty that successful in what it does – simply x per cent of online matches lead to two people actually meeting upwardly.
The way these apps seem to place limitless dating possibilities at your fingertips, creates a sense of FOMO, while making people casually "discard" a prospect with as much indifference as they would a disposable face mask.
WOMEN BURNING OUT
For women, this virtual ecosystem has a significant touch on on their wellbeing.
I US report by Pew Inquiry in 2022 institute female users experiencing different levels of harassment. Effectually vi in 10 said they continued to be contacted after they explicitly mentioned not being interested – and around the aforementioned number report receiving a sexually explicit message or image. Elsewhere, they get chosen an offensive proper noun or even go threatened with bodily harm for the rejection.
No wonder statistics show that women are 54 per cent more than likely to feel burned out past the whole process.
According to 1 article titled Associations Between Social Feet, Depression And Use Of Online Dating Platforms, which came out in October 2022 in peer-reviewed journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, And Social Networking, "social feet and depression symptoms were positively associated with the extent of participants' dating app use".
THE Effects ON MENTAL HEALTH
Enneagram trainer and human relationship coach Cindy Leong, 34, has seen increasing numbers of clients presenting with mental health issues resulting from their use of dating apps.
"In a 2022 study, Tinder users were found to have lower self-esteem and more body image issues than non-users. Low self-esteem is a gamble factor of a large number of mental wellness issues, including but not limited to low," she said.
"Spending besides much fourth dimension on apps may likewise consequence in the person not having the real mental chapters for real people effectually them. Information technology can also become addictive; ane of my female clients was and so addicted that even when she was out for dinner with friends, she spent all her fourth dimension scrolling through dating apps."
She added: "If they are scammed online, it'southward fifty-fifty more complicated. One of my female clients met a guy, who even had an 'aunt' who spoke to her over Whatsapp, which made the story more credible. The lady went to Australia in an try to meet the guy, merely to realise it was a scam."
Leong's advice? "To protect your sanity, agree to meet within a week of chatting. Reduce the number of hours y'all spend on dating apps. Don't take rejection personally. These people don't fifty-fifty know who you are. Information technology's actually unrealistic for someone to reject you only based on looks. At that place's more beauty in you than what's shown in the profile."
READ: How Tinder and K-dramas changed dating preferences in Singapore
Meanwhile, Tan recalled that when she was "stressed past many baffling (online dating) encounters", she would encounter girlfriends to "bitch and vent over wine", talk to guy friends or picket videos by dating advice skillful @thematthewhussey for male perspectives, and exercise to keep fit "because self-love is more important than someone who doesn't appreciate yous".
Despite the bad press, there's no denying dating apps are here to stay, having overtaken schools, universities, and offices as the preferred means of meeting potential partners since the early 2010s.
Yep, THERE'South ALSO A PLUS SIDE
But it'due south non all doom and gloom. Used judiciously, these apps could result in stronger marriages – one time people go hitched, of course.
Rachel DeAlto, Match's "chief dating expert", told theknot.com: "With these apps, there's a lot of intentional people coming to them. They actually want to have a relationship. And when you lot have that intention and know what you're looking for, you enter into a relationship in a different way and I call back that makes a huge difference."
Meanwhile, Cecily Gold Moore, Bumble's manager of community experience, added: "When you lot accept the strength and self-love to define how you want to exist treated in a human relationship, you can stay true to who yous are throughout the process. Dating requires clear communication, setting boundaries, intentions, and expectations – and an understanding that if your intentions don't align, information technology's okay to movement on."
Ying Ying, a 45-yr-one-time freelance producer who used CMB and Bumble afterward her divorce, recalled her experience.
"I knew I didn't wish to get remarried and didn't want kids, merely wanted a serious, committed relationship with someone who wanted the same things," she said.
"I would always ask the guy on a first date to share why he's single and what he's looking for, to depict where his life is right at present, and his about interesting or horrific experiences on the dating apps. Virtually didn't brand it past the first or second date."
Eventually, later six disheartening months of meeting guys from the dating apps, a process which she likens to "trying to find a diamond in a dumpster", and where she occasionally despaired that she might be too sometime, she met her fiance.
"By the fourth enjoyable date where we talked for hours about everything nether the sun, I told him I really enjoyed getting to know him better, and said I was looking for a serious human relationship – not necessarily with him," she said.
"In the meantime, for united states to forge a connection based on trust and honesty that could potentially lead to a relationship, we should both only run into each other. Anytime he felt this arrangement wasn't working out and wanted to date around, all he had to do was say so, and we'd become dissever our ways, without tears or drama."
They got engaged and moved in together later on dating for a year and a half, and will gloat their 3rd anniversary in a few months.
So take they changed their minds virtually getting remarried?
"Well, after having been together a few years, we're open to tying the knot eventually — similar when we're 70," she quipped.
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Source: https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/women/online-dating-singapore-tinder-bumble-coffee-meets-bagel-252626
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